Light From Dark

All of us are born with different personalities, but our environment, culture, and life experiences are what shape us.  I wonder how I would be different if I were born in another time or another place. Maybe I would be more quiet or confidant, more girly or tomboyish, but I believe my origin is not all that has made me who  I am. It is the people who  raised me, who cared for me, and showed me the way. These role models in my life have been family, friends, teachers, and even strangers. Good or bad, everything they said and did has influenced my growing mind and heart.

My mother is a troubled person. She fell for the wrong people and made one mistake after the other. Her heart was in the right place--but her head was not.  I watched her get hurt again and again by those she thought she loved. I watched as a young girl, helpless. I remember how she would get pushed down in the streets,  her belly round with pregnancy. I remember how she would hide away small items in her purse and how she would come back late at night yelling and fighting. I remember hearing her drunken cry at night and the sound of a fist breaking though the drywall, breaking through the door, and the harsh shouts of anger, his fist raised…

My father, on the other hand, is a very responsible man. He works, pays the bills, pays taxes, and supports my sister and me. He is a good father, a stern father who drives his children to succeed. But he too, has his own tragic story. He was betrayed by the very woman he had pledged his life to and created life with.  He never wronged her. He provided love, food, shelter, luxuries. But then, his wife up and left him, taking his only children with her. He only smiles once in a blue moon. He hates his family, he hates his work, he hates his life. My father has nothing, and no one left but me. 

For all eighteen years I have lived, I have felt and witnessed the pain of the two hearts that brought me into this world. I have endured so much pain, so many hardships, that a weaker person would have given up all hope by now. A weaker person would have fallen depression, despair, hopelessness, lifelessness, or even death. I, however,  have remained strong.  

I have learned to be a kind person, who loves unconditionally and selflessly. It is not having what I want that makes me happy, but wanting what I have.  I must give and love freely, because in the end, I could lose everything. Memories can never be taken away. 

I must be strong and provide for my own self. To make myself dependent, is to make myself helpless. To indulge in desires thoughtlessly, is to destroy myself. I must think clearly and stand up when I am pushed down.  If I cannot do these things, I am doomed to my own self destruction. I can rely on no one but me, to care for me.

However, at the same time I have realized that not all people are good, and that these people, no matter how I try to help them, cannot be changed and are nothing but poison to my life.  I cannot dwell on it’s the evils of mankind. I have to move on when I am wronged or else be forever imprisoned or infected by it. I cannot change people so I must to strive to educate their minds and open their eyes. I will do whatever I can, be it through written word, art, or speech.

I have to learn to let go of the past. Some things cannot be forgotten, and should not. Lessons and knowledge are important to retain. I cannot, however,  be vengeful . It is important to forgive others so that I may heal.  Vengeance, hate,  and remorse will only bring self destruction. All I can do is give life another chance. If I give up on everything, I  have nothing left.

Every person in our life has something to teach, and everything that happens in our life has a lesson  to learn. I may not have had a good role model  to show me the way, but my experiences have made me wise beyond my years. I not only know what to be, but also what not to be.  Even in the darkness, in all the pain, there is light.

Light From Dark (c) Maranda L. Scott
Photo (c) its respective owner.